Some Relevant History that ISIS, ISIL--oh, whatever those idiots are calling themselves this week--Might Want to Consider, and a Novel Way to Get Rid of Them...

I know how we could nip this ISIS thing in the bud...

Granted, I know that this isn't feasible whatsoever, if for no other reason than because so many Americans and "westerners" tend to think of anybody who gets called a "terrorist" as being 10 feet tall, super humanly strong, and endowed with unpredictable psychic powers. 

But, in a perfect world, I'd like the UN, US, and other nations who care about Iraq (and Syria) to use some reverse psychology on these idiots, since they, like Osama bin Laden before them (everybody, pour some of THE WORST MALT LIQUOR AVAILABLE* in your area on the ground for Mr. bin Laden--then PISS ON IT...) dream of restoring "the" caliphate. 

*Yes, I am aware that "worst malt liquor available" is an oxymoron...

I used quotations there because there have been several caliphates in history, a caliphate essentially being  the Islamic world's equivalent of the post-Christian world's kingdoms or empires, back when our ancestors thought that Jesus was commanding to them to massacre and enslave people for whom they did not care. 

The original caliphate is known as the Rashidun, or "rightful" (I think in modern Arabic that word actually translates to "adult" or "grown up" which, you have to admit, is pretty damn funny: "the grown up caliphate"), and came to be when Muhammad died in 632. 

After uniting all but a few of the tribes of the Arabian Peninsula, he was effectively the political and military leader of an empire that included what is now Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, UAE, and Qatar, along with being the religious leader and prophet of the first Muslims. He had explicitly stated that he did not want a dynasty to succeed him, or another prophet to his take place, and so the original Believers (as they are commonly referred to, along with the salaf and original 'umma, or Islamic community) selected a man named Abu Bakr to take Muhammad's place as their leader--the caliph*. 

(*from Khalīfa, which translates into something like "sheriff" in English, but after either the second 
caliph,Umar ibn Al-Khattāb, or Alī ibn Abī Ṭālib, were given the title of Amir al-Mu'minin, or 
"commander of the faithful," the title of caliph came to mean the latter as well) 

Initially, there was the Rashidun caliphate in 632, then the Umayyad caliphate (they were bastards--really! go ask any Muslim!) from 661, then from 750, the Abbasid caliphate, along with a short-lived Shi'ite rival, the Fatimid caliphate, based in Cairo. This is when Baghdad was built and made the Abbasid capital, and much of this period, 750-1258 (well, maybe not that late, but let's not get too technical...I WILL go ahead and say that there wasn't a very happy ending, and it involved Genghis Khan's bastard-coated bastard grandson, Hulagu...), is considering the "Golden Age" of Islam...when they got way, way, WAY smarter than us Europeans and, I'd argue, picked up the mantle that the Romans dropped a few centuries earlier. 

Harun al-Rashid was the fifth Abbasid caliph--we know him better as the patron of One Thousand and One Arabian Nights, and as having been pen pals with Charlemagne. They regularly gave each other presents and may have even met/visited each other. (Though if you ask me, Harun got the shit end of the stick--I mean, he gives Charlemagne a pimp ass watch -- which all of Charlemagne's peeps thinks is some kind of Satanic artifact -- and a freaking ELEPHANT! Somehow I'm willing to surmise that Harun was a little disappointed when he opened up some bland ass crap from medieval Germany..."Oh, another...WTF is this called? Sauerkraut? Oh God most merciful, give them some food that doesn't taste and smell like a homeless man's ass..."  

So...we know what a caliphate is? Yes? Good! 

So here's my plan: 

When ISIS reps (if you can call batshit ragtag brats trying to spite their well-to-do parents in Kuwait or something "reps") start talking about their "caliphate," why don't we just go, 

"oh, okay. You win. Caliphate it is...! So if you could just be a good Divinely Chosen Overlord & go ahead and draw up a plan for us pesky infidels to follow, that'd be swell! Okay? XOXOX!!"

Those guys are sooooo clueless about their own history and Islamic theology (I'd bet my pasty white ass that I know more about the Qur'an and their history than even the "smartest" one out of all of them...just about all of my history and international relations credits were in ME politics and history--I have an entire bookshelf -- not one shelf, but an ENTIRE bookcase, full of this stuff...and NO, I SUPPOSE I AM NOT PARTICULARLY FUN AT PARTIES!), it's just pathetic. That their leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, took his stage name from the original caliph is literally the only hint I recall that they sort of understand what a "caliphate" should look actually look like...

I'm not exaggerating when I say that at least a few of them would have a massive stroke and die once they contemplated the logistics involved in realizing their dream world...

So I'd ask them, which model are we gonna use? Abu Bakr's (Muhammad's best friend who became the first caliph of the original, "Rashidun" or rightful caliphate...btw, it lasted a whopping 20 years...)? Cause you guys DO KNOW Mr. Bakr had lots of Christian and Jewish friends, right (so did this guy NAMED...oh...I can't believe I'm spacing about this! How embarrassing! Oh right: MUHAMMAD!!!!!!)?

And that "Pact of Umar"? The original edict/law establishing rights for non-Muslims or People of the Book--& that wasn't just Jews and Christians, either; Muslims came into contact with a new religious demographic with some sort of supposedly divinely inspired book? KA-CHING! To this day Iran's parliament actually has seats reserved -- if I were a Republican, I'd call it affirmative action with a big frownie face -- for Zoroastrians and other, shall we say, less mainstream faiths?? 

It turns out that it was named after a guy named Umar! And he wasn't just Bakr's successor--he was a veritable saint and close friends with the patriarch of Jerusalem among many, many other non-Muslims.

Well scratch that idea...! We can't have those pesky non-zealots who use both halves of their brains!

So, like I mentioned before, just about all Muslims consider the Umayyads scum, unbelievers, or heretics, so that's off the table...(not so ironically, ISIS has the most in common in with their ruling style as far as I can tell)

How about the Abbasids? You know, the Golden Age of Islam? The House of Knowledge?! Preserved 80-90% of the classical world's learning (while Europeans literally believed they had to have a Linus-like "protective layer of filth" to fight disease, and wore the same shirt until it rotted and fell off?) and invented paper, among other things? C'mon! It'd be SWEET!!

Oh yeah...they weren't a buncha deranged psychopaths either...

Okay...the FATIMIDS! 

AH, SHIT...they were Shi'ites...

Okay, okay: the Ottomans! And not the nice sultans like Murad II...I'm talkin' Ottoman Empire c. 1512! Before Suleyman the Magnificent! When Selim I was whooping everybody's ass that so much as looked at him wrong [no, really, that guy was one stone cold bad ass...had he been Sultan who had to deal with Vlad the Impaler, I'm pretty sure that the latter's antics would have just given Selim ideas...]!

Oh, that's right...both Selim and his dad rescued Jews and other people persecuted by the Inquisition...natch!!

SONUVABITCH! Who knew this multicontinental theocratic state version of a FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE would be SO HARD!!!


(Well, I'm all ears if anyone has a better idea...)

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/10/21/u-s-fighter-jocks-pray-the-isis-air-force-rumors-are-true.html?via=mobile&source=facebook

Yeah ISIS...have fun with those fighter jets...for that whole day or two you'll have them before they are unceremoniously shot out of the sky by [insert absurdly superior conventional weapon system possessed by US military]...

Good god, these are not brilliant military strategists. Sure, they scared the shit outta some Iraqi army forces (and lots of those guys who supposedly turned tail and ran were Sunnis who justifiably see al-Maliki as a bastard who isn't worth dying for...), but uh...this is NOT a smart, organized group...

There was a retired general on TV the other day who remarked at how shocked he was that ISIS was already "going conventional"--and I said "HOT DAMN, I WANNA kiss you on the mouth, old guy who actually used military terminology!"

See, this Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi (who isnt from Baghdad and isn't named after the first caliph...though I'm sure that he is making that great man is spin in his grave...) thinks he has a real army that will conquer and defend whatever it wants...and that makes him a FUCKING RETARD...

Insurgents and guerrillas, or to use a more familiar reference, the CONTINENTAL ARMY led by GEORGE WASHINGTON, defeat much larger and superior forces by wearing them down...avoiding big engagements or "big unit battles" in favor or ambushes, attacks on supply lines...you know, the sort of things that made us look like total dumb asses in Vietnam and Iraq?

Only after you've worn down a superior conventional army do you "go conventional" like the North Vietnamese did after we were gone, Mao did after fighting the nationalists in China, etc, etc...

So perhaps ISIS thinks that it's okay to go conventional? Or they're just DUMB.

I cannot emphasize how DUMB it is for a little conventional army like ISIS to try and fight like they are right now...remember how easily we steamrolled Saddam's military both times? That's because HE WAS AN IDIOT who tried to beat our military at the one kind of warfare at which it's proven to be any good...

If/when Turkey says "okay...fuck this...you're officially on our nerves," they will wipe their ass with ISIS. It will be like the early stage of the Iraq War but with some random atrocities that the world will decide to overlook (READ: cheer on...), perhaps with some unruly ISIS prisoners getting their heads cut off.

Oh, and when ISIS gets worn down? Oh dear...if the Syrian army is still intact, that sick fucker Bashir al-Asaad will make ISIS's mass executions and beheadings all look like a little kid's birthday party. I mean...brace yourself: that guy is one sick ass ophthalmologist.  

Well everyone...contrary to what we all believe thanks to wishy washy crap made by Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, & Tom Brokaw, this is what an actual war looks like...! There usually isn't a good guy or clear cut villain straight from central casting...nope...just a bunch of assholes who get increasingly desperate and nasty the longer a war drags on.

So earlier today, I was watching Reince "my parents were obviously psychic since they gave me a name indicative of being an ignorant hick" Preibus on Andrea Mitchell talking about the now Moby Dick-like comprehensive immigration reform, & lo and behold he gives a shout out to his paranoid lunatic Tea Party peeps by talking way too much about border security...

[BTW, why hasn't he been fired yet? I mean, Michael Steele sure didn't have a long tenure..and he didn't, well, TOTALLY SUCK AT HIS F**KING JOB...]

I'm so damn tired about these whackos pissing and moaning re border security...uh, we have about the most secure border in the freaking world, especially when you count that GIANT STRETCH OF DESERT where LOTS OF WOULD-BE "ILLEGALS" DIE trying to sneak into the US. 

Don't get me started about terrorism threats...there's not a lot of wannabe Muhammad Attas who have "go to Mexico and hire a hyena to NEEDLESSLY sneak across DEADLY STRETCH OF DESERT TO WAGE JIHAD AGAINST THE GREAT SATAN! MOOHOOHAHAHA!" as part of their plans, or would ever need to...

You guys wanna see what an actual insecure border looks like? Take a trip to Pakistan! Russia! China? How about INDIA?! 

[oh, right...I forget about that darn phobia of brown or brown-ish people lots of Tea Party folks tend to have...]

When I contemplate this nation's actual woes, anchor babies and Mexican families headed by "illegals" don't exactly top the list...

My silly, naive, effete liberal ass tends to think that the whole "gun toting Elmer Fudds who call themselves 'minute men' and listen to Alex Jones, Glenn Beck, & say 'Mair-ka,' and do all without the slightest sense of irony" phenom might be more problematic to the "sovereignty of our republic".* 

*[feel free to insert another wishy-washy and antiquated term favored by our fellow Americans who insist on answering every question with either a cornball Thomas Jefferson or Winston Churchill quote or an inaccurate reference/metaphor to Nazism, fascism, communism, or appeasement here]. 

Re recent Conservative Backlash Against Gay Marriage In Utah

A leader of the group, Uprising Against Gay Marriage [try saying that with a straight face...], and former Graham County Sheriff, Richard Mack, had this to say today regarding the legal battle and hoopla over gay marriage having recently been made legal in the great state of Utah*:

"The people of Utah have rights too, not just the homosexuals...the homosexuals are shoving their agendas down our throats..." [Emphasis added by my smarmy prick ass]

Oh, TRUST ME, Sheriff MACK:

If the wonderful homosexuals of Utah**  were shoving something down your throat, methinks you would know...

*Yes, I do mean that--despite my irrational hatred of Ann and Mitt Romney, I grew up with and have plenty of Mormon friends...
**I mean, C'MON! HOW THICK IS YOUR SKIN AND HOW TOUGH MUST YOU HAVE TO BE TO not only GROW UP GAY IN THAT STATE, but to CONTINUE TO LIVE THERE...? I am in awe of Utah's gay population...simply in awe...

With regard to Spotify...is there a way to whisper into its most benevolent of ears and ask...

"Psst...that one friend of mine? Yeah, _____? Well, among the numerous terrible life decisions they make, their taste in music perhaps the worst OF THEM...yeah, JUST AWFUL...so, if you could just be a doll and, you know...PLEASE DISREGARD anything they like...? That would be just...just...well, lovely..." 

What? Oh, like you haven't thought THE EXACT SAME THING...

So there is a god and he's apparently mad at me, as I'm watching this Chicago concert on Axs TV...I have but one question: just HOW BIG OF A BAND DOES ONE NEED TO TRULY, TRULY SUCK?

I have another question: how bad does one have to suck for me to go "Hey! Where the HELL IS PETER CETERA?"